There has been, for some time now, this strange phenomenom in my household: If I speak VERY highly of my wife while being away from home, she is a complete bitch at home but if I speak poorly of her away from home, she's fucking awesome when I get home. This happens CONSISTENTLY like a poor joke.
So tonight she was being bitchy, kinda anyway, and she has been for about 5 days now (this does coincide with good ol' Aunt Flo coming to visit...EVERY fucking month!!!) As we were leaving the rib shack tonight after dinner, she asked if I wanted to go to Lowe's to get some blinds for the house (we need 2 last sets). I had told her no, that I just wanted to get home. Her response was that I "never want to be around people" and that she's "getting sick of it." WTF??? She knows that I don't do good in crowds and that I have already been having a rough 10 or so days due to a bunch of fucking nightmares. So what does this have to do with my original comments above???
Today the Doc made some rather pointed, but correct, comments regarding my wife and I and how she (the Doc) thought about how we were treating our children. She pointed out some things that I have noticed in how I talk to my son...maybe a little to "toughly"...and it's actually somehting that I hav been thinking about for some time now. However, she also mentioned how my wife was treating (being hard on) one of my daughters. The Doc actually referenced the possibility (fact?!) that my wife has piss-poor self-esteem(my words) due to her own weight problem and health. On top of that we talked aobut my feelings about my marriage and how 50% of the time, I just want OUT!!!I don't know if I would feel this way if my wife had a move even-keel (normal) temper and better self-esteem. I do know that it's something I was thinking of LONG before the Doc said anything.
Sometimes I think that she is way too good for me...sometimes I think I am way too ogood for her. I DO love her, deeply, which is probably the biggest reason why I stay(and that I believe she might hurt herself of my kids if I leave). But, when ALL of my friends since my youngest daughter was born and the wife gained all the weight have said the same shit the Doc was saying today...it makes me really wonder aobut what the fuck I am doing, and what I need to do and what I should do. I mean, very few of my friends have ever been able to put up with her long...and a LOT have just flat out avoided us becuas they can't stand her yelling and temper.
AAAAGGGGGHHHH. So WHAT do I DO??? I am going to ride it out for now. After this visit with Aunt Flo, I am going to give her a pointed letter (face-to-face will not work as she NEVER admits ANY wrongdoing) and ask her if she will see a counselor or something. I don't know if between my PTSD struggles, stress at work and school, and her on-again/off-again niceness, if I could do many more years of this without loosing my mind or hurting someone, including myself.
It's too bad she can't just easily slip back into how she was before all the post-partum crap. I mean, I KNOW I have changed since Iraq and the memories of being raped multiple times came flooding back. I don't think anyone else would have me. I mean, Angela and Marissa would probably both jump if I said I was coming to get them....but they are not really what I think I want full time...I guess??? I do know that I wish my wife, or whoever I end up growing old with, is more like the Doc. At least in the intelligence, compassion, AND looks department. She's got her flaws, I assume anyway, and she knows way TOO much personally to ever actually be interested in a lost cause like me...but someone like her...and it would be great if the wife started developing these traits...that would fucking rock!!!
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