Unwinding and Focus

The last two weeks have been really rough in terms of nightmares and fighting with the wife and just a SHITLOAD of triggers. The Doc made some really good, but tough, comments on an interaction that she witnessed months ago between my wife and my kids and my kids and I. The gist was that I needed to remember that I learned a lot of wrong things as a child due to my trauma, only to be punctuated by Iraq, and that I should pay more attention to how I teach and talk with my children. There was a lot more to it, but that's a whole different post. One good final point that she made was that I should/could change my focus from being so obsessed about the recent nightmares/triggers, and to think more on how I am raising my children. So for the last couple of days, that has actually helped a lot. I did send a text message to tell her thanks...no reply, but that's to be expected I guess. One thing that struck me as odd...I have kinda thought for a while that I could tell sometimes that the Doc had more she wanted to say at this or that point/session...and her waiting quite a few months to mention this I think is evidence of that. She really is a great Doc and I told her that there wasn't a whole lot that she could say to piss me off. Her reply was to the affect of that she thinks a lot about the timing of things, including things she says to her patients.

Tonight we had some friends over for BBQ and beer. I only had a couple of beers....didn't want to get shitfaced and some of our friends were being VERY loud and a little too dirty for the younger ears in the house. Had a good time but by 9pm I was just ready for a quiet house. Between shopping today and a LOT of fucking pain in my lower legs, I was kind of on edge most of the day. It was however really great to just kind of kick back and hang with some friends. The last two weeks had been SO bad that I was really going south mentally and just fucking hating life. I wasn't even all that happy to go see the Doc, which usually brightens my week unless I know I am doing exposure therapy stuff that day. But the comments she made really made me take pause about my focus and about my children. I feel like I just want to tell everyone how I feel and what they mean to me...the few I actually give a fuck about anyway. Maybe I could just write some letters that maybe one day I could send?