I am not sure how to aggregate the whole lot of info I recieved on this, but I have come to believe that it is true: I overthink everything, EVERYTHING, and spend so much time focusing on my fucking trauma, that I am holding myself back from....advancing (trying to avoid using that "B" word...b3tt3r).
It is a cycle...a cycle of shit and hell that I put myself through on an almost minute-by-minute basis, until I get something to bump me out of it...even if it's only a slight reprieve. This process usually starts with an external trigger which gets me thinking about the event that got triggered. I naturally move to try to disect that entire drama, taking the gamut of emotions that go with them and exacerbating them to the full fucking extent. ...and then I actually have the stupidity to wonder why I feel like shit most of the time. There has been a new compication to this mental madness...one that I really wasn't able to put into words until the other day in my session with the Doc: I am feeling better in a lot of ways, or at least feeling "stronger"...but it doesn't "feel right" so I worry that it's just a LOT of apathy coming back in, and that if I am not careful then I will end up suicidal again.
Of course the Doc made two very valid points:
1) If it isn't something happening now, in the present, then why am I worrying about it?
2) I MUST learn to spend less time out of my head!!! Not that I shouldn't process my thoughts, OR emotions, but that maybe I should examine them, make a decision, and move on. Even if the decision I make ends up being wrong and I have to rethink it....it's still way less time in my own self-imposed hell than what I normally spend.
Don't know where I'd be without the advice and support of the Doc, and (because of her) my Wife!!! Actually, that's not true...I either be heading towards a bloody death, or have already gone there. Somedays I really hate me...but the few people I have to count on are miracle-workers and awesome and deserve nothing but respect, concern, faith, and love!!!
On another note....a VERY stressful weekend. Overall, despite some bullshit today, including getting started very bad by my waitress (twice!!!) it's been a pretty good day, so I am happy about that. Now if I can get some well-needed sleep before I have to leave to take an exam in the morning....that would be fucking awesome!!!!!!!
Showing posts with label Good Day overall. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Good Day overall. Show all posts
Monday, November 21, 2011
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Making progress and hobbies
Seems like I should be in a better mood, better frame of mind tonight...but it's just not happening for some reason. I can't really put a finger on it, other than some stupid shit that happened today...most of was just me getting startled and the having to deal with crowds and shopping today. For some reason, I was really having to fight the flashback's while I was with the wife in one store today, but I am not really sure what was triggering it...or trying to trigger it.
In any event, I think I made some progress today...at least some promises to myself.
- I did in fact go through this blog to check for anything that I may have put on here that should would cause me any kind of grief. I found some entries that, while I don't think were necessarily bad, I still decided to update to reduce the risk (for lack of a better word). I feel good about this decision overall, and happy that I at least kept my word to myself!
- While I haven't physically touched my boat yet, I am going to say I made progress and kept my word on that one. I have to have a spot in the garage to do some minor work (and get it off of the new grass), so I spent a LOT of time today toward that end. I feel good about that!
- I haven't picked up the Les Paul yet, but I did get all of the new RockBand3 stuff set-up and played the new Fender Mustang guitar on that last night. It was harder than the regular RockBand guitar, and a little harder than a real one, but it was fun, felt like a real one, and was a 45 minute break where ALL I thought about was JUST PLAYING GUITAR!!!! How fucking sweet is that! 45 minutes of NO bullshit in my head, joking around with my wife, and just having a good time.
All in all, the weekend has been pretty good so far. I need to finish up some therapy homework but I will do that tomorrow night. Four "Challenging Belief Worksheets" to complete...about 50% done. The last two I did, the Doc basically pulled my punk card. Although I thought I had put some good effort into them, after that session and the worksheet that I did in there, I realized that I didn't come close to the mark or put even half the effort that I needed to into the worksheet. Anyway, that's a whole nother topic I guess.
Back on topic: I am pretty happy with myself, despite my "funk," for having at least kept some promises to myself to do some enjoyable activities. I need to find more to do with my kids though. :-( Recently, I heard about this trail in the town accross the river that is supposed to be a lot of fun to bike ride, run, walk...whatever. Think it might be fun to go check out with the wife and kids one of these coming weekends. Can't run, but maybe the bike will be ok and not be too painful. Anyway, gonna end this post here and go to bed. Need to be up in six hours to get to the church early. I volunteered to help on the sound team, so have to be there REALLY early tomorrow (today), at least really early for our normal Sundays.
I would like to explore what I think about something, and will probably do it on here soon if I remember at a more convenient time than 130am. I had a realization of sorts revovling around the fact that I do struggle with knowing "who I am" and I do wonder what happened to the guy I used to be. But I also realized something more pointed, I think. It's automatic for me to come up with quick, smartass comments that are usually very cocky. Basically I like to talk a LOT of trash and try to be funny...although sometimes I don't recognize the line until I have gone way too far over it. The weird thing is though, while I may sound cocky or put on an air of self-confidence, I just don't feel it, ever. Anyway, I save that exploration for a later date.
In any event, I think I made some progress today...at least some promises to myself.
- I did in fact go through this blog to check for anything that I may have put on here that should would cause me any kind of grief. I found some entries that, while I don't think were necessarily bad, I still decided to update to reduce the risk (for lack of a better word). I feel good about this decision overall, and happy that I at least kept my word to myself!
- While I haven't physically touched my boat yet, I am going to say I made progress and kept my word on that one. I have to have a spot in the garage to do some minor work (and get it off of the new grass), so I spent a LOT of time today toward that end. I feel good about that!
- I haven't picked up the Les Paul yet, but I did get all of the new RockBand3 stuff set-up and played the new Fender Mustang guitar on that last night. It was harder than the regular RockBand guitar, and a little harder than a real one, but it was fun, felt like a real one, and was a 45 minute break where ALL I thought about was JUST PLAYING GUITAR!!!! How fucking sweet is that! 45 minutes of NO bullshit in my head, joking around with my wife, and just having a good time.
All in all, the weekend has been pretty good so far. I need to finish up some therapy homework but I will do that tomorrow night. Four "Challenging Belief Worksheets" to complete...about 50% done. The last two I did, the Doc basically pulled my punk card. Although I thought I had put some good effort into them, after that session and the worksheet that I did in there, I realized that I didn't come close to the mark or put even half the effort that I needed to into the worksheet. Anyway, that's a whole nother topic I guess.
Back on topic: I am pretty happy with myself, despite my "funk," for having at least kept some promises to myself to do some enjoyable activities. I need to find more to do with my kids though. :-( Recently, I heard about this trail in the town accross the river that is supposed to be a lot of fun to bike ride, run, walk...whatever. Think it might be fun to go check out with the wife and kids one of these coming weekends. Can't run, but maybe the bike will be ok and not be too painful. Anyway, gonna end this post here and go to bed. Need to be up in six hours to get to the church early. I volunteered to help on the sound team, so have to be there REALLY early tomorrow (today), at least really early for our normal Sundays.
I would like to explore what I think about something, and will probably do it on here soon if I remember at a more convenient time than 130am. I had a realization of sorts revovling around the fact that I do struggle with knowing "who I am" and I do wonder what happened to the guy I used to be. But I also realized something more pointed, I think. It's automatic for me to come up with quick, smartass comments that are usually very cocky. Basically I like to talk a LOT of trash and try to be funny...although sometimes I don't recognize the line until I have gone way too far over it. The weird thing is though, while I may sound cocky or put on an air of self-confidence, I just don't feel it, ever. Anyway, I save that exploration for a later date.
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