Am I lazy or do I enjoy my PTSD??? Who knows???

Sometimes it is just easier I think to hate yourself and to constantly remind yourself of the "blame" that you feel. At least for me it is, but I don't know why. One would think that it is easier in the long run to work a little at facing down the trauma, learning how to treat/deal with the symptoms. This last week or so I have been doing pretty well with NOT focusing on any of my trauma histories. I have had a chunk of flashbacks,
jumpiness, being too alert, and smelling old horrible scents from the past. I did get a little pissed at one person who tries to help me a lot but I am hoping the reason I got mad is only a misinterpretation.

I started writing this post earlier and had a specific focus in mind...but I have since forgotten what it was. I think my earlier point was about me just being lazy...or at least sometimes being lazy. It might be more than this, or even something else, such as a self-destructive or self-hating attitude. I don't know. I know that some days I absolutely hate who I am, or at minimum how I feel and think.

But I also know that I have to WORK at not thinking this way. To find those positive things about me that might exist and to work on handling the lies the brain tells about me. I can BELIEVE that I didn't launch the mortar and that I did pull the trigger on the insurgent and that I didn't ask to be raped as a child by three different groups of people.

Maybe it's time to focus on those things and to work at not being lazy about getting better and to know and believe that I do NOT enjoy my PTSD!!!!