PE Homework HELL

Email to the Doc after first PE Homework...painful!

From: Me

To: The Doc

Sent: Tuesday, March 22, 2011 10:12:18 PM
Subject: HW H-E double L

Doc,

Tonight was the first night that I was able to do the homework….I am kind of shaky from it which really sucks even if I rate my suds now lower than my peak.

I didn't do it yesterday because when I was taking my dad to lunch…my dumb luck, he mentions some people involved in this crud and he was extolling their virtue!...had me out of shape ALL day. I expect this stuff to be as hard as the CPT stuff, if just different causes, but it was so hard not to flinch at everything I heard myself saying.

I'll see how it goes tomorrow, but I am VERY worried about continuing down this path and remembering too much or just plain cracking. I re-heard what you said about the only benefit gained is if I go through the whole memory…but what if I remember is painful….is there a line? some catch-all? I know you're busy, so no response needed and we can discuss this in session (if it's ok) after you yell at me for being an friggin idiot. My only real point in writing this (and seriously no, the email is really not meant as an annoying payback for last week's session) is that I would like to ask for a little warning before the next session if you plan to push me to go deeper. I really am SCARED Doc, and not just of the sessions…like over my shoulder scared in multiple ways if that makes any dang sense! I do have about 500000 thoughts, questions, fears, ramblings, and epitomes that have been coming to me about ALL of this since last session. I am trying to write them all down when I can, but there is no way we'd get through them. I guess I am rambling here. You still Rock, Doc, even if I do question my sanity in agreeing to go through this.

dw

Long overdue Check-In

So it's been like seven months since I have remembered, or found time, to post anything on here. However, I have been doing a LOT of writing in journal that my doc has had me start using. I think I will start working on transferring that chicken scratch to this place so I can get rid of the hard copies at home.

Where I am at since my last post:
Things have been a lot better since last November. I did a lot of work through CPT with the Doc regarding the trauma from Iraq.
...Then I started a modified form of PE with the Doc regarding what she had termed CSA(Childhood Sexual Abuse). This has actually been much, much more painful AND difficult than the work on the Iraq trauma.
There have been some seriously strange side-effects of this therapy, for lack of a better term.
- Really bad dreams, some which are an inter-mingling of Iraq and one of the three separate CSAincidents.
- The realization that I hate myself almost 24/7 for the guilt that I carry from both Iraq trauma and some of the particular CSA.
- The remembrance of the some of the most painful (emotional AND physical) memories of my life
- The remembrance of a time when I had actually planned, and (the part I didn't tell the Doc) started to carry out my suicide. (I got lucky that I passed out before doing anything irreversible, even if I passed out only because I was waiting for my wife to come home so I could "finish" it)

It is so strange, and very fucking frustrating to me that I have these memories of major events or decisions in my life, and that I have apparently gotten exceptionally good and pushing these fuckers so deep I forget about them until some unknown trigger brings them back.

Some GREAT News:
my friend Shane is out of Jail after a long stay on some bullshit charges from a crackhead DA and an estranged spouse. But, he's home with probation only on misdemeanors as the new DA dropped/reduced the felony charges!!!!
WELCOME HOME BROTHER!