Sometimes Group REALLY does make you THINK!

Email after a group session. :-)

From: Me

To: The Doc
Sent: Wednesday, February 9, 2011 9:56:07 AM
Subject: Thoughts on yesterday

Doc,
Just FYI because it's bugging the crap outta me. I thought about your letter idea...which I think is good and I'll do that from now on...but then I realized if I didn't tell you this before the next appointment, it could make my life more painful. I feel like a I got some "off my chest" yesterday...but I feel a weird kind of scared too, which is hard to admit. It's not a trust issue, the opposite in fact. Yesterday for some reason I was really scared you were going to go too deep into the original not pulling the trigger incident in Iraq that screwed me up that day in group, which was weird because we worked through (I think, thought?) the original incident. THEN, I got really SCARED that you were going to ask questions that I really didn't (don't ever?) want to answer about the other stuff. The realization is: if you ask, I am (eventually) going to answer you. That in itself is frightening. But it's not just the answers that worry me (or their analysis/reaction?), but the worry of "saying too much"...like too many details. Then I think maybe I'll start remembering even worse stuff or that once I start talking I won't shut up or that this whole process is going to be the final thing that breaks me emotionally. Not sure if any of this makes sense cuz not a lot is right now so I'll quit rambling.
Sorry to bug you. You Rock, Doc!

(NOT) Being Able to Cry

Not being able to cry, when you just "FEEL" like you MUST...sucks. Especially after months of being willing to. The only time I had, mentioned in the below email I sent to the Doc, as "one crazy night" was a night that I was stone-cold drunk off of my ass and got triggered about th PX and ALL of my guilt came flooding in. BAD NIGHT that was!!!

From: Me

To: The Doc

Sent: Tuesday, November 9, 2010 5:56:39 PM
Subject: Emotional question

Doc,
I was thinking yesterday and today about something and wanted to ask.
Should I worry that I really haven't been able to let go of my emotions yet...except for one crazy night?
You kept telling me to, but even Monday I was holding it all back when I was re-reading the sheet on the kid and again when we were talking about it.

Long overdue Check-In

So it's been like seven months since I have remembered, or found time, to post anything on here. However, I have been doing a LOT of writing in journal that my doc has had me start using. I think I will start working on transferring that chicken scratch to this place so I can get rid of the hard copies at home.

Where I am at since my last post:
Things have been a lot better since last November. I did a lot of work through CPT with the Doc regarding the trauma from Iraq.
...Then I started a modified form of PE with the Doc regarding what she had termed CSA(Childhood Sexual Abuse). This has actually been much, much more painful AND difficult than the work on the Iraq trauma.
There have been some seriously strange side-effects of this therapy, for lack of a better term.
- Really bad dreams, some which are an inter-mingling of Iraq and one of the three separate CSAincidents.
- The realization that I hate myself almost 24/7 for the guilt that I carry from both Iraq trauma and some of the particular CSA.
- The remembrance of the some of the most painful (emotional AND physical) memories of my life
- The remembrance of a time when I had actually planned, and (the part I didn't tell the Doc) started to carry out my suicide. (I got lucky that I passed out before doing anything irreversible, even if I passed out only because I was waiting for my wife to come home so I could "finish" it)

It is so strange, and very fucking frustrating to me that I have these memories of major events or decisions in my life, and that I have apparently gotten exceptionally good and pushing these fuckers so deep I forget about them until some unknown trigger brings them back.

Some GREAT News:
my friend Shane is out of Jail after a long stay on some bullshit charges from a crackhead DA and an estranged spouse. But, he's home with probation only on misdemeanors as the new DA dropped/reduced the felony charges!!!!
WELCOME HOME BROTHER!

My Doc Rocks

I think, even though I haven't posted much, that I should post about my Doc.

Doc is my doctor, and ROCKS!!! The shame of it is, she is probably one of three people worth anything here at the local VA. However, she is worth a lot! She is like that friend that just WILL NOT take your crap on ANY day...except she's the Doc and not you're friend!

It doesn't matter my mood when I walk in her office, I leave feeling like a ton of bricks has been removed from my back...even if she had me on the verge of crying in her office. This whole Cognitive Processing Therapy has been painful, but without Doc, I am certain that I would NEVER have stuck it out this long. Given some of the stupid shit I have done, even since therapy started, I am lucky to have Doc helping me.

Thing is, I didn't WANT to do therapy or see anyone. Then, I didn't want to see a female doctor. Unfortunately, I got STUCK with both. However, it has worked out well so far. It didn't help at first that she was HOT...but then I just convinced myself that was a lesbian, :-) which helped me quickly get past that fact.

So, I may not be perfect...or even 100% fixed. I am better because of Doc and will owe my life to her, whether she knows it or not! She may consider me a patient, but to me she is a friend. So for anyone doubting the value of the "Shrink,"...get off your ass and go see one...NOW!!!

Veteran's Day

Holy Crap Man! I let my shrink talk me into going to the Veteran's Day Parade here! It was probably good for my kids to be there...but not so good for me to be there!
To start things off, the "Marshall" of the parade was my Brigade Commander from when I was in Iraq! Not really a big deal you say? Maybe...except I seriously associate this guy with the memory of one PX exploding and with the fact that our unit just didn't take care of it's Soldiers...not sure if that was a Battalion thing or a Brigade thing, but the Company blamed him. Either way, him leading the parade was nothing but a trigger for my memories of Iraq.
Then...of all the damn things you could do at a Veteran's Parade...the friggin Fire Trucks had to run their sirens...somewhat reminiscent of the siren sound for incoming.
Unfortunately I let all this crap run my head, my emotions, my being. I spent the rest of the day in and out of hell, made a bunch of smartass comments to my shrink (and I think she is now OFFICIALLY annoyed with me, permanently), and just hated life the whole day!
My doc reminded me on Friday about breathing, mindfulness...and just not going down the F'ing rabbit hole. She was right, but the day before sucked. The therapy has been helping, but I failed to apply ANYTHING I learned and I suffered for it all day!
On another note: after at least a year of fighting it, I agreed to try an anti-depressant. That was a great idea! Actually, I owe that one to the Doc too. She told me she couldn't believe I made it this long without it, and with all of the other things she has been right about, I decided to try it. WOW...what a change!!!

Black, White, and Grey's Anatomy???

On Grey's Anatomy the other night, there was a lot of unsaid references to PTSD and how those who have it can need to address it. On the show (my wife got me hooked), there was a shooting and some people were hurt or killed. One character, Yang, who has been portrayed as a "no nonsense" surgeon, was afraid to perform surgeries...so much to the point that she laid on the floor during her first surgery back after being cleared by the pshycologist. Another character on the show, Karev (sp?) almost died in an elevator, so after the shooting incident, he would refuse to take the elevator but instead would run up and down the stairs.

What I found interesting was actually two things. The first was that some characters encouraged those such as Yang and Karev to "face their fears." The other thing is actually a dumb one, but I liked the reference: the title of the show contains the word "Grey", obviously. My doctor says that I have a LOT of black and white thinking...and I should probably state that this is true...and that I should try more thinking in grey.

Anyway, I have noticed on different shows that PTSD has been either the primary or the background focus. It was very interesting to me in Grey's Anatomy to see that the method recommended to address the PTSD was that of facing the fear/issue directly. This seems to me to be exactly in line with the specific type of therapy that I am doing through the VA...Cognative Processing Therapy (CPT). Althought this isn't exactly 100% exposure therapy, it DEFINITELY requires the patient, like me, to face the primary trauma experienced, much like Karev being forced to take the elevator until he wasn't afraid or like Yang being forced to perform a surgery, a surgery similar to the one that she associated with her trauma.

I am not an expert on CPT, or any time of therapy. I am also not a fan of the exposure philosophy. However, I CAN say that this type of therapy has greatly helped.

The beginning of the symptoms Part I

When I first came home from Iraq, I was mostly bothered by sounds, crowds, spacing out, and some very crappy dreams. The sounds that really bothered me were the sounds coming from the nighttime artillery firing that were happening on post. This was the worst the first two months that I was home but was somewhat alleviated when we bought a house.
The spacing out was not as bad as it has been since I was "floored" by everything, but that is something I will write about later. For the first year or so after I returned, my spacing out happened at arbitrary times and was just that, spacing out. I would find myself just thinking about some event that happened while I was in that hell hole. It wasn't until later that my spacing out involved my not knowing where the hell I was...was I back in Iraq getting shot at or was in Somewhere, USA... with little to know real risk around me?
After being home for about six months, life became very busy for me and I was able to push ALL things (but one) Iraq to the back corner of my mental closet. This busy-ness lasted for about two years with time in Korea, dealing with a dying relative, training, and working at the Pentagon. It wasn't until life slowed down drastically, when I was medically discharged and had a TON of free time on my hands that I was floored by the hell of Iraq, my own guilt, and some seriously irrational fear.

...to be continued