I struggle with the thought that I have done something to piss everyone off, that I annoy everyone, and that I am just a horrible person. I have been friends with a pretty cool and laid back person. Yet somehow, I did something to piss them off enough so that a phone call, a text, or a facebook message. I mean, I KNOW that I push people, and I push them away. So this really, and I mean really, got me feeling like shit. I was pretty convinced that I must have done something wrong to a person that really already had enough wrong done to them. I even got in touch with my doc to ask why I am such a horrible piece of shit. Of course, then I felt really bad about bugging her...but I really didn't want to talk to her or anyone...but I had to talk to someone.
In the course of 30 minutes of text messages...which she thought I started becuase I was drunk and I guess I sounded as sad as I felt...she identified four stuckpoints that I now get to do for homework. Of course when I reminded her that I don't go back for two weeks and that I could just procrastinate them, she said no to that too.
So here's where I am struggling:I KNOW I didn't do anything, except for one maybe one adjective I shouldn't have used on this blog (and had deleted weeks ago). However, I still FEEL like I did do something yet AGAIN to piss someone off. So where does this come from? Why do I always feel so fucking horrible and why do I question if anyone really likes me or trusts me or even wants to be around me. Hell, I even wonder most days what my wife even thinks about me half the time. This is all I am going to write today...I just feel like a horrible piece of shit, even if I didn't do anything. Coincidentally, this very blog where one adjective may have offended this guy, was also originally deleted becuase I stood up for him, as well as the fact that I had initially put way to many thoughts about my doc on here. Too funny...maybe...or just fucking stupid?????
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Who do I want to be????????
I keep struggling with who I am. I ask myself this every day, every minute, every second...or at least it feels that way. At first I used to be convinced that I was going to end up being schizophrenic or some other mentally ill person. Then I was told that I had a lot (some?) of the signs of border-line personality disorder and I was REALLY convinced.
What made things the worst though was when I started "feeling" like I wasn't me. There were times when I had to really think hard to recall if what I was "remember" was in fact something I did. It's not the childhood memories or the ones from Iraq. Nope...it's memories like "did I have THIS conversation with THAT person last week?" I know part of it is fatigue...hell I am falling asleep writing this right now.
But I also know now that this is a normal symptom of ptsd. A "Disassociation" of sorts. It's almost as if I am sometimes seeing my present self in the third person. This has been a wierd and frustrating time for me. However, it was reassuring to be able to talk this out with my Doc and to learn that it NOT necessarily a sign that I am going crazy.
One of the interesting things that the Doc said was:
"Instead of the question being "Who am I?"...the quistion should be "Who do I want to be."
What made things the worst though was when I started "feeling" like I wasn't me. There were times when I had to really think hard to recall if what I was "remember" was in fact something I did. It's not the childhood memories or the ones from Iraq. Nope...it's memories like "did I have THIS conversation with THAT person last week?" I know part of it is fatigue...hell I am falling asleep writing this right now.
But I also know now that this is a normal symptom of ptsd. A "Disassociation" of sorts. It's almost as if I am sometimes seeing my present self in the third person. This has been a wierd and frustrating time for me. However, it was reassuring to be able to talk this out with my Doc and to learn that it NOT necessarily a sign that I am going crazy.
One of the interesting things that the Doc said was:
"Instead of the question being "Who am I?"...the quistion should be "Who do I want to be."
Trauma Anniversary....Remember those who gave all
Recently, the anniversary of one of my traumatic events from Iraq passed. I had tried, on another blog, to write about this event in some general terms while paying respect to those who's death I felt for a long time to be responsible for. Through some hard, and sometimes painful work in CPT, I was able to let go of a large chunk of that guilt and shame and I felt it was a okay time work more towards honoring those who died. However, that post and a couple of others apparently really angered some people, and I had allowed their responses to get to me so much that I took down the blog. I might write more about this later. However, I think it's more important to actually do the right thing here first, and that is to honor those whom we have lost.
I won't use names or dates, or even places here on this blog. This is both out of respect as well as out of the need for some privacy in my life.
There was a day that seemed like all the other shitty days in Iraq. I had to go to the company area and I made some stops along the way. One of these stops was an area where a lot of other soldiers where. While I was there, I talked to a couple of different soldiers about numerous things. Two of the ones I talked to the longest, they were pretty cool guys. They both had future plans, were tired of being away from their families and were just doing their thing. However, after talking with both of them, I left to go over to the company...a short walk of maybe two minutes. After getting to the company, I stood at the back door and fired up a smoke. After maybe two drags, the hell rained down where i had just been. Those two soldiers, and some others, were killed by some asshole insurgents. For a long time I struggled with the belief that I was directly responsible for their deaths because I had held them up for so long talking. That guilt really ate me up inside and was the second or third worst guilty feeling I have ever struggled with. In any event, my guilt is nothing compared to the price that they had to pay
These soldiers and too many others quite frankly, paid heavy and in this case ultimate prices. They were doing their job and working at supporting their country and their familes. They had dreams and plans and fears and hopes. They may have even had their own guilts that they were trying to work through. The didn't get to live through any of those things. Instead, they died. Killed by some assholes!
They are gone physically but I know that they live on my heart and the hearts of their family and friends. They were Soldiers, sons, a father, a fiance.but most of all they were Americans. May I never forget, may we never forget, these Americans gave their lives.
I won't use names or dates, or even places here on this blog. This is both out of respect as well as out of the need for some privacy in my life.
There was a day that seemed like all the other shitty days in Iraq. I had to go to the company area and I made some stops along the way. One of these stops was an area where a lot of other soldiers where. While I was there, I talked to a couple of different soldiers about numerous things. Two of the ones I talked to the longest, they were pretty cool guys. They both had future plans, were tired of being away from their families and were just doing their thing. However, after talking with both of them, I left to go over to the company...a short walk of maybe two minutes. After getting to the company, I stood at the back door and fired up a smoke. After maybe two drags, the hell rained down where i had just been. Those two soldiers, and some others, were killed by some asshole insurgents. For a long time I struggled with the belief that I was directly responsible for their deaths because I had held them up for so long talking. That guilt really ate me up inside and was the second or third worst guilty feeling I have ever struggled with. In any event, my guilt is nothing compared to the price that they had to pay
These soldiers and too many others quite frankly, paid heavy and in this case ultimate prices. They were doing their job and working at supporting their country and their familes. They had dreams and plans and fears and hopes. They may have even had their own guilts that they were trying to work through. The didn't get to live through any of those things. Instead, they died. Killed by some assholes!
They are gone physically but I know that they live on my heart and the hearts of their family and friends. They were Soldiers, sons, a father, a fiance.but most of all they were Americans. May I never forget, may we never forget, these Americans gave their lives.
Friday, June 17, 2011
Survived the Anniversary of the first one
So, I survived the anniversary of that horrible day. Strangely enough, I spent more of the day just being sad...missing those whom I won't see again in this life. My alertness level was uber-high, as in through the roof. But other than that and being very sad, I think it was ok. I was more worried about being haunted by guilt than by guilt itself, which was very nice considering the alternatives.
Someone made the point that I should remember them, honor them, in the right way. The right way could mean so many things, and yet they all seem to point to the fact their honor should never be tarnished by anything or anyone and that I not allow myself to use their deaths as excuses to get drunk or stupid or miserable.
Someone made the point that I should remember them, honor them, in the right way. The right way could mean so many things, and yet they all seem to point to the fact their honor should never be tarnished by anything or anyone and that I not allow myself to use their deaths as excuses to get drunk or stupid or miserable.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Medicinal help
I think I mentioned it in a posting yesterday, but my "brain vitamins" got increased yesterday. I actually do feel a little better, despite being fucking exhausted and falling asleep all morning. :-)
I remember when I started them, I woke up the first morning feeling COMPLETELY happy! It was the best feeling in a LONG time. I hope that this change is the sign of a positive upward movement for me. Still stressing the anniversary thing this week and the pissing of a bunch of people off...people who have been extremely HUGE in helping me.
Ohh...and the GYM was awesome yesterday! It felt GREAT to go work out for 45 minutes, despite being completely covered in sweat afterwards.
I remember when I started them, I woke up the first morning feeling COMPLETELY happy! It was the best feeling in a LONG time. I hope that this change is the sign of a positive upward movement for me. Still stressing the anniversary thing this week and the pissing of a bunch of people off...people who have been extremely HUGE in helping me.
Ohh...and the GYM was awesome yesterday! It felt GREAT to go work out for 45 minutes, despite being completely covered in sweat afterwards.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Going to raise my endorphines
Heading to the gym and just a little ramble here since I just really want to talk with ANYONE who gets this shit. I could call my wife who's out shopping, but that just doesn't sit right tonight, and probably isn't a conversation she needs to partake in in front of the brats. :-(
A long and worrisome day today. And some changes, one of the biggest being an increase in my "brain vitamin" dosage. Hopefully that will do the trick on some of the way's I've been feeling as of late. Anniversary is getting closer.
This will be the first anniversary since having "completed" CPT. Sometimes I find myself wondering why I'm stressing it. I did work through a LOT of it already and I do feel a lot better about it for the most part. I wonder if it's not the other therapy work I have been doing on the childhood shit that has really got me affected. I haven't been asked by the Doc to record any more of the memories, and the last session when I rambled, the next day I felt like I had just unloaded a big weight off of me.
Seems like it's really guilt and shame that are kicking my ass for the last few weeks, at least as I think about it now. That's at least what a lot of the emotions have been from the memories, and some conversations with people that I know better than to keep talking to. Sometimes, I just KNOW that I am a fucking idiot...but then sometimes I know I am just "searching" or "chasing" a numbness or a good feeling, at least something better than the amounts of physical and emotional pain I've recently been in. So, I am seriously looking for this day to come and go, so I can say I made it through the day and any other horrible memories/flashbacks that I might have....wouldn't that mean I am making progress? I think so.
Anyway, time for workout.
A long and worrisome day today. And some changes, one of the biggest being an increase in my "brain vitamin" dosage. Hopefully that will do the trick on some of the way's I've been feeling as of late. Anniversary is getting closer.
This will be the first anniversary since having "completed" CPT. Sometimes I find myself wondering why I'm stressing it. I did work through a LOT of it already and I do feel a lot better about it for the most part. I wonder if it's not the other therapy work I have been doing on the childhood shit that has really got me affected. I haven't been asked by the Doc to record any more of the memories, and the last session when I rambled, the next day I felt like I had just unloaded a big weight off of me.
Seems like it's really guilt and shame that are kicking my ass for the last few weeks, at least as I think about it now. That's at least what a lot of the emotions have been from the memories, and some conversations with people that I know better than to keep talking to. Sometimes, I just KNOW that I am a fucking idiot...but then sometimes I know I am just "searching" or "chasing" a numbness or a good feeling, at least something better than the amounts of physical and emotional pain I've recently been in. So, I am seriously looking for this day to come and go, so I can say I made it through the day and any other horrible memories/flashbacks that I might have....wouldn't that mean I am making progress? I think so.
Anyway, time for workout.
Monday, June 13, 2011
A good (work) but Bad (Anniversary/PTSD) week!/?
his week is an anniversary of probably the biggest trauma I experienced in Iraq. I have been OK with that so far...maybe a little bit of struggling with some of my stuckpoints around guilt, shame, and self-esteem. However, I am staying exceptionally busy and this has helped to not loose my focus too much. Except for one shopping experience on Saturday, and one again yesterday, there haven't been any flashback issues. Just some of those same problematic thought processes trying to kick my butt. However, I think I am pretty good today.
I think I am good enough to quit the full time therapy and I think I am good enough to just move on. But I don't believe these to be true either. I wonder how I feel about these things as the week moves towards the anniversary of that day.
The good this week:
- I got dropped into a pretty cool course for work, and it also includes a certification that I need/want.
The Bad this week:
- The anniversary of that horrible fucking day. For so long I held soooo tight to the believe that the deaths of two great Americans were my fault. I distracted them and I slowed them down, and they ended up dying. I know now, through lots and LOTS of CPT assignments and talks with the Doc that it wasn't my fault and that I didn't do any of the killing. It was a matter of coincidence coupled with poor timing on my part and my bad luck punishing others.:-( just the problem thoughts and fighting a see-saw of apathy and cockiness (which still is funny to me since I feel like I am lower than worm dirt).
Got an appointment today, but I really don't want to go. I've been fighting the feeling for a week or so that I am just pissing everyone off. This includes the Doc as well although I don't know what I would have done...so I guess I am mind-reading and being pessimistic, but I do assume some sort of ass-chewing today. :-( But I also assume that my wfie wants a divorce, that my kids hate me, that my coworkers all think I am stupid, and that my friends think I am either an asshole or a piece of shit. I think the bigger reason I don't want to go is the bigger reason why I should: I just don't feel like talking to anyone at ALL (including the wife, kids, and friends). I'd just prefer to be alone!!!
Despite the above, and being in a funk, I do seem like I am in a good mood. Of course, I am going on about 15 hours of sleep since last Thursday...so maybe that's what it is.
I think I am good enough to quit the full time therapy and I think I am good enough to just move on. But I don't believe these to be true either. I wonder how I feel about these things as the week moves towards the anniversary of that day.
The good this week:
- I got dropped into a pretty cool course for work, and it also includes a certification that I need/want.
The Bad this week:
- The anniversary of that horrible fucking day. For so long I held soooo tight to the believe that the deaths of two great Americans were my fault. I distracted them and I slowed them down, and they ended up dying. I know now, through lots and LOTS of CPT assignments and talks with the Doc that it wasn't my fault and that I didn't do any of the killing. It was a matter of coincidence coupled with poor timing on my part and my bad luck punishing others.:-( just the problem thoughts and fighting a see-saw of apathy and cockiness (which still is funny to me since I feel like I am lower than worm dirt).
Got an appointment today, but I really don't want to go. I've been fighting the feeling for a week or so that I am just pissing everyone off. This includes the Doc as well although I don't know what I would have done...so I guess I am mind-reading and being pessimistic, but I do assume some sort of ass-chewing today. :-( But I also assume that my wfie wants a divorce, that my kids hate me, that my coworkers all think I am stupid, and that my friends think I am either an asshole or a piece of shit. I think the bigger reason I don't want to go is the bigger reason why I should: I just don't feel like talking to anyone at ALL (including the wife, kids, and friends). I'd just prefer to be alone!!!
Despite the above, and being in a funk, I do seem like I am in a good mood. Of course, I am going on about 15 hours of sleep since last Thursday...so maybe that's what it is.
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